There is a funny story attributed to Franklin Roosevelt, who often endured long receiving lines at the White House. He complained that no one really paid any attention to what was said. One day, during a reception, he decided to try an experiment.
To each person who passed down the line and shook his hand, he murmured, "I murdered my grandmother this morning." The guests responded with phrases like, "Marvelous! Keep up the good work. We are proud of you. God bless you, sir." It was not till the end of the line, while greeting the ambassador from Bolivia, that his words were actually heard. Nonplussed, the ambassador leaned over and whispered, "I'm sure she had it coming”
The thing about listening is that it is closely connected to our self worth, can you imagine a situation where no one is interested in “your story” and your thoughts. Being curious about someone’s story is honouring them with your time and attention; any derailment there leads to a swift erosion in self esteem and self worth for the speaker. There was a boss of mine who would seek out opinions from my counterparts and his eyes would glaze over when I had to contribute anything to the discussion, needless to say, it was extremely emasculating and demotivating.
Listening Sin #1: FilteringThis is when a person’s mind is sifting through another’s words and tuning in only when he or she hears agreement. Commonly, a Filterer replies to someone else’s statements with “yeah, but….”
During some of my earlier workshops, I would facilitate leadership deliberations and whenever the other team started the feedback session with a “yes ,but “ they were asked to pay a penalty. A “Yes and” approach indicates a collaborative approach as against shutting somebody out when they have an idea with a “Yes, but”.
The filter is important, but there is a lot of energy expended by the CEO when someone from his leadership team is bent on filtering the information he is receiving. We tune out when we hear unpalatable feedback and our brain scans on agreement signals and hones in on them. As Leaders, we might tend to pick on verbal or non verbal agreement signals to build on consensus and ensure “staying on message” –It ends up cutting valuable inputs and a subtle signal is sent to all stakeholders and that more ayes and less nays are what you would prefer.
Listening Sin #2: Second GuessingMost of us, if we go popular science can speak 125 words per minute whereas we are capable of listening to 400 words per minute, where does this leave us when communicating, as the brain is very busy adopting shortcuts ,we end up second guessing what the other person is saying,someone who is second-guessing usually misses important details because they are too busy
(a) imagining someone has hidden motives for saying what they’re saying, and
(b) trying to figure out what those hidden motives might be.
Surface any thoughts you might have that indicates otherwise what the other person might be saying instead of assuming their motives. In most cases the relationship between the CEO and his reports are fraught with subjectivity, a mental model is framed which ensures any communication passes through the same frame. Motive and angle guessing takes away from learning and contributing.
In a Workshop,a senior CIO confessed that he was guilty of this both personally and professionally and went on to say, his wife gave him prompt feedback that this was not on and he wished he got feedback as speedily at work. Eventually, he understood that constantly second guessing some one leads to him missing out on interesting insights.
Listening Sin #3: DiscountingThis sin occurs when a listener lacks respect for a speaker. What the speaker is saying could be 100% dead on correct, but a Discounter will either internally or publicly scoff at what’s being said, for any number of reasons. This problem arises if the listener has an egoistic mindset that he is simply the smartest person in the room.
The sad thing about Discounters is that they often miss the solutions to the problems before them, simply because they don’t like the source. A milder form of discounting occurs when content is brushed off just because the person speaking is not a good speaker.
There is a scene in the Bruce Lee Movie “Enter the Dragon” where when Lee is pointing at a distance, his student is looking at his pointing finger instead of where Lee is pointing at. He gently boffs him saying “If you pay attention to who is pointing instead of what is being pointed at, you miss looking at all that beauty”.
Listening Sin #4: RelatingA Relater is someone who continually finds references from his or her own background and compares them to what the speaker is saying. Relaters often appear self-centered, as everything they hear is publicly compared or contrasted to his or her own experiences.
Relaters are important if they make some connections to build rapport, but if they can have complete conversations that mirror what you are saying, it is not a complete conversation. I knew someone who would have complete conversations replete with these ideas .I would talk about an impending travel plan, he would either talk about where he is off to or where he has come back from.
I would talk about a new project at work and he would happily talk about his new project. It was fascinating to watch as I could often imagine him processing all that information just so he could spew out how relatable it was to him. Relating is a way to highjack a conversation and will soon become apparent to other people in the conversation. It could also be seen as signs of insecurity and spotlight seeking.
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